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Things to Read

“Cinnamon Kill” by Jake Christie, Medium

October 22, 2015
Things to Read

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New story on Medium about the dark side of #PSL season.

The last Instagram photo Kimberly Reynolds ever posted was of a pumpkin spice latte.

It’s still there on her Instagram account. Like all of her photos, it’s carefully arranged and brightly lit. The black mug of coffee sits on a clean white tablecloth, with the handle pointing down and to the right, towards five o’clock. There’s a sprinkle of spice on top of the latte foam, like a fresh dusting of cinnamon-and-nutmeg snow. A single homemade biscotti, with a single bite taken out, runs parallel to the frame.

“#Homemade #PumpkinSpiceLatte,” reads the caption. “Is there a better way to start a #Saturday?”

An hour after she posted that photo, Kimberly Reynolds was dead.

She got 53 likes.

Read “Cinnamon Kill” on Medium

“CUTE OVERLOAD” by Jake Christie, Weird

August 6, 2015
Things to Read

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New story in the publication Weird, recommended by the staff at Medium:

The ideal solution was one that prevented the spread of the infection while avoiding casualties, and also led to rehabilitation if possible. The problem with finding a cure for the infection was that no one could get close to it without falling victim – becoming, as one military doctor put it, “a drooling amalgam of cute phrases and insipid iconography, held together only by poor grammar.” With no choice but to watch via satellite asthe conditions in the city deteriorated and the infection spread, a decisive strike became more and more likely.

Read “Cute Overload” at Weird

“Donald Trump: The Avengers are ‘Not Real Superheroes'” by Jake Christie, Medium

July 22, 2015
Things to Read

photo by Gage Skidmore

New humor piece on Medium:

“These quote-unquote ‘superheroes’ are just another group of non-hard-working, non-job-creating moochers taking handouts from the bloated, over-regulated government,” he said. “I’ve met Tony Stark, he’s a nice guy, but he’s no hero. Hulk? Put a shirt on! A bunch of liberal-media-darlings, put together by ‘Comrade’ Nick Fury to take the focus off the real heroes: millionaires creating American jobs by building golf courses in other countries.”

Read “Donald Trump: The Avengers are ‘Not Real Superheroes'” on Medium

“Tips for #BiketoWorkDay When You’re Being Followed by a Mysterious Flock of Birds” by Jake Christie, Medium

May 12, 2015
Things to Read

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New piece on Medium, recommended by the Medium Staff: Tips for #BiketoWorkDay When You’re Being Followed by a Mysterious Flock of Birds.

This Friday, May 15, is National Bike to Work Day — a day which promotes using a bicycle as a healthy, environmentally-friendly way to commute to work. According to The League of American Bicyclists, more than half the U.S. population lives within five miles of their workplace, so switching to the bike for a day isn’t some insurmountable challenge; anybody can do it, even if they’ve spent the last week being followed by a flock of obsidian-black birds, which always seem to be present and fly without making the slightest sound.

Read “Tips for #BiketoWorkDay When You’re Being Followed by a Mysterious Flock of Birds” at Medium

“Life is One Giant Game of Metroid” by Jake Christie, Human Parts

April 17, 2015
Things to Read

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The wonderful Human Parts recently published this piece that I wrote about being like Samus Aran instead of Mario.

Metroid is all about picking up new skills, learning to use them, and then moving forward. You can’t just move forward blindly, because you’ll run into a wall. You have to take a step back, make yourself better, and then face the challenges that were stopping you in your tracks before.

Read “Life is One Giant Game of Metroid” at Human Parts

“3 Ways To Kick A$$ In Your Family’s Easter Egg Hunt” by Jake Christie, Thought Catalog

April 5, 2015
Things to Read

Easter Sunday humor piece at Thought Catalog: “3 Ways To Kick A$$ In Your Family’s Easter Egg Hunt”

Your family might argue that the Easter Egg Hunt is “for the kids,” or that “you’re too old,” or that Braveheart-style facepaint “isn’t necessary,” but that’s just the fear talking. You’ve got the eye of the tiger, and tigers eat bunnies for breakfast.

Read “3 Ways To Kick A$$ In Your Family’s Easter Egg Hunt” at Thought Catalog

“Stuff” by Jake Christie, Human Parts

February 23, 2015
Things to Read

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The great publication Human Parts published an essay of mine called “Stuff,” which asks: When you break up with somebody, do you have to break up with the things they left behind, too?

I keep the little things. Movie stubs, silly notes, tchotchkes. Post-it doodles. Quarter toys in their gumball machine eggs. They mean something different — they aren’t attached to any holiday, or any obligation. They’re just, Hey, I was thinking about you.

Read “Stuff” on Human Parts

“The Laser Pointers Are Cornered” by Jake Christie, Medium

January 19, 2015
Things to Read

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New humor piece on Medium, “The Laser Pointers Are Cornered”:

We chased the laser pointers from one end of the galaxy to the other, only to find that they had gone back to the end of the galaxy we started at. Then we returned to that end of the galaxy and, tragically, they were gone again. I missed my kitten’s birthday. I know a lot of us missed a lot of birthdays, chasing these damned laser pointers.

Read “The Laser Pointers Are Cornered” at Medium

“Elvie the Elf from Accounting Learns the True Meaning of Christmas” by Jake Christie, Medium

December 25, 2014
Things to Read

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I’m honored that my story “Elvie the Elf from Accounting Learns the True Meaning of Christmas” is one of today’s “Staff Picks” on Medium, featured on the homepage and in their daily email!

It’s a story about class warfare at the North Pole and the true meaning of Christmas and elves trying to sleep with each other.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the North Pole’s management offices, mid- and upper-level elves were getting tight on eggnog. The annual Christmas party was the social event of the season, and most of the elves had quit putting in long days of hard work sometime in mid-November, just to be prepared. Now all the heavy lifting — both literal and figurative — was being handled by the hourly elves in the toy shop, working mandatory overtime to complement their meager wages.

Thanks to Medium for the support and the yuletidiest of nice surprises on Christmas morning!

Read “Elvie the Elf from Accounting Learns the True Meaning of Christmas” at Medium

“5 Tips to Avoid Getting Sick Over the Holidays” by Jake Christie, Thought Catalog

December 22, 2014
Things to Read

Looking to avoid the pitfalls of being sick over the holidays? I’ve got your back. Today Thought Catalog published this humorous piece of mine with five tips to stay healthy – just keep in mind that I give horrible advice.

Christmas Week is finally here, and that means it’s time to go to those last company holiday parties, get back to your family, and enjoy a well-earned yuletide break. Nothing can ruin this joyous time faster than coming down with something that makes you violently eject breakfast, lunch and/or dinner from the end that may not be your first choice. Since the Gods of Christmas (Santa?) placed the holiday right in the middle of cold and flu season, you need to take matters into your own hands to avoid getting sick.

Read “5 Tips to Avoid Getting Sick Over the Holidays” at Thought Catalog